Being at home with a tiny baby can be a lonely and overwhelming experience for lots of new parents.
And these feelings of isolation can start even before the arrival of your baby, explains Becky Saunders, Head of Policy and Development at Home-Start and a child psychotherapist.
“Your journey to having a baby – conception, pregnancy and birth – sets the scene. Lots of women enjoy their pregnancies, but others have lots of physical discomfort or are very ill. And the experience of labour and birth can be very difficult.”
All this impacts on how it feels to be at home with your new baby.
“Some people say the first three months at home are the fourth trimester. Parenting is an ongoing learning process as you adjust to your new circumstances and get to know your baby, who might be quite different from the baby you imagined you’d have,” says Becky.
Feeling lonely after having a baby
There is a mix of tricky emotions and experiences after childbirth and lots of parents are not best placed to deal with them because you’re exhausted and still recovering.
“There’s an enormous amount of uncertainty and weight of responsibility when you have a baby, and often a feeling of trying to make it up as you go along,” explains Becky.
There’s also a loss of a familiar way of life and your previous identity and role perhaps at work or in the home.
“You may have felt really confident before giving birth and suddenly, you’re like: ‘I don't know how to do this’. On top of this you might feel a pressure to be doing everything amazingly, to be on top of things.”
And relationships shift around you when baby arrives, adds Becky. “Everyone in the family has to adjust, whether that's your partner or older children. You have to balance taking care of your new baby and taking care of their feelings too.”
Practical ideas for dealing with postpartum loneliness
1. Acknowledge your feelings
“Know that’s it’s OK to not be OK – it doesn’t mean that you're a bad parent,” says Becky. “Pay attention to how you’re feeling and prioritise self-care. You're giving an awful lot to your baby and it’s important to look after yourself.”
2. Map your network
“Think about who you can turn to when you’re feeling low or need practical help, so you've got an action plan,” recommends Becky.
“Share it with the people in your life and talk to them about how they’ll know when you're not feeling good. We all show our emotions in different ways.”
3. Take care of your own needs
It’s hard when your baby needs so much attention but doing simple, pleasurable activities like catching up on your favourite TV shows, listening to podcasts or taking gentle walks can make a big difference.
“Nap when your baby sleeps rather than trying to get loads done – sleep has a big impact on how we manage our emotions,” says Becky. “Schedule in phone calls with friends or family . If you have a hobby, something that's just for you, try to keep it up. Journaling your thoughts and feelings can be helpful too. And find time to celebrate your little wins: what are the things today that have been good?”
4. Talk to parents who understand
Face-to-face and online parenting groups can be a brilliant source of and practical advice.
You might find it useful to have at least one new parent friend on the end of my phone, because they’ll get it. It’s important to have someone to just be able to send a little message to or forward a meme to at 4am saying ‘I thought of you’.
5. Focus on bonding
“You might think you constantly need to do stuff with your baby. But simply being together, your face, the tone of your voice and your interactions are what matter. Sometimes as parents, we forget this,” says Becky.
“The world is new to your baby, so they are very much in the moment. This teaches us a lot about slowing down and paying attention to what’s going on around us.”
6. it gets easier
“Look ahead: talk to your friends, family or partner about the things you'd like to do in the future,” says Becky. “It can help lift your spirits to say ‘you know, there will be a time when we can do X, Y, and Z.’”
7. Get professional help
“One in 10 mums will develop a mental illness during the perinatal period and it’s really important to seek help if you're struggling."
"If you’re much more irritable than usual or tearful for more than a few days at a time,” says Becky. “Help at the right time can make a massive difference quite quickly.”
Chat to your health visitor or your GP, who can also help you access more specialist . “There are lots of amazing online resources: the maternal Mental Health Alliance have a really good directory,” adds Becky.
Home-Start’s volunteers work alongside families to help them cope with the stresses and strains of life. Find your local Home-Start on their website.
More tips from THP’s online community
- “Try to talk to people about things other than your baby. It makes you feel more like you” – Charlotte
- “I made sure I spoke to a family member or friend each day – not just using text or messaging” – Chloe
- “Follow social media s that mums and have a mum community” – Jessica
- “When you’re out for a walk say ‘hi’ to people you walk past, it cheers you up no end” – Charlotte
- “Take it day by day, rather than worrying about not having plans for the coming days or week” – Daisy
Further advice
If you feel like your mental health is suffering due to loneliness, it may be worth speaking to your GP.
Additionally, one of the organisations listed by BBC Action Line may be able to help.
