Having a baby teaches you so much about your partner, says Sarah Wheatley, a BA-accredited psychotherapist, who works mainly with people in the early stages of parenthood.
“It’s a period of learning so much, so quickly. It shows you things about your partner that you weren't aware of before. Some of these might be incredible, but you may also find differences.”
Later in the article you can read about how three real parents found ways to nurture their relationships, but first Sarah has some relationship tips to share.
1. Learn to see challenges as opportunities
Draw comfort from the fact it’s completely normal to feel strain in your relationship. “Especially at the beginning, it can feel like you're hit with a variety of new experiences and emotions, and don’t have the words to explain them to your partner,” says Sarah.
“But there’s a lot to be said for seeing the challenges as growth opportunities. Becoming parents highlights parts of your relationship that you could pretend weren’t there before. But if you learn how to navigate these and adapt, it will strengthen your bond.”
you’re a team. “If you can look after each other and the sense of yourselves as a couple, it will benefit your baby. Because when your relationship thrives, you’re both more able to your baby’s development,” adds Sarah.
2. Communicate well and argue better
Great communication is key to reconnecting, but so is being good at disagreeing and repairing things, says Sarah.
“This doesn't mean avoiding the other person, shutting them down, or criticising them. It means backing down sometimes, retreating so you can calm down and thinking: ‘I would rather be in a relationship than be right in this argument’.
Sarah suggests having a safe word as a couple. Whatever they choose, “It means ‘this conversation ends right now – we can come back to it when we're both in a better state’.”
3. Try low-key intimacy
“Your heart might sink at the thought of organising a date night because it’s too much to deal with,” says Sarah. But you can show your desire for connection in smaller ways.
“It can be as simple as sitting next to each other watching box sets, knees touching or just holding hands. Even if you don’t have the energy to speak, you’re showing your partner that you want to connect.”
There are no set rules about when to have sex again, it depends when you’re physically and emotionally ready. Take your time and talk about what it means to you both. You might discover you have differing views but airing them is better than letting resentment build up, Sarah explains.
4. Be honest about difficult emotions and topics
Whether you feel overwhelmed by chores, or you disagree with your partner’s parenting style, don’t let it simmer.
“I see many new parents trying to protect their partners – for instance, protecting their sleep or hiding financial worries,” says Sarah.
“But shielding them from difficult emotions stores things up and that’s not healthy. You might think you’re being thoughtful but you’re disconnecting rather than enabling your connection.”
5. Reclaim some me-time (without judgement)
Easier said than done, but scheduling in slivers of free time for you and your partner to do stuff you enjoy can be refreshing. “Sometimes your partner might choose a certain activity that you don’t see as a good use of time,” says Sarah. “Try to avoid these value judgements. If they want to game for an hour or go shopping, that’s up to them.”
6. Focus inward
It’s natural to compare yourselves to other new parents, but your energy is best focused on nurturing your relationship.
You only see what you want to see and what people want to show you, particularly on social media says Sarah.
“ parents on social media are people who feel able to present themselves. They’re a very small percentage of the population, and there’s a huge mass of other parents at home, getting on with life.”
7. Don’t be afraid to ask for help
“Knowing when to do this is individual to you – there are no indicators that apply to everyone,” says Sarah. “But you might feel as though you have either tried and failed to have conversations with your partner, or you’re not sure how to start talking or you're feeling scared.”
Speak to your GP or health visitor who might be able to signpost you to , or turn to someone you both trust, adds Sarah. “Somebody who believes in your relationship and genuinely wants the best for you both.”
What worked for us – relationship tips from parents
“Be patient and be kind” - Lindsey
Lindsey has a 3-year-old daughter Ellie with partner Dan, and a stepdaughter Kaitlin, 14.
“The period after Ellie’s birth was a whirlwind of emotions. On top of the usual challenges like exhaustion, it was lockdown, and we didn’t have any family close by. We couldn’t do the things we used to enjoy as a couple. Even going for a dog walk was impossible.
“Slowly we found a way through. At first, it was about finding little pockets of time, something as simple as a coffee together. It gave us the chance to relax and check in to see how each other was doing and chat about things other than parenting.
“Over time, we got from friends, family, and social groups. And we had the chance to organise date nights and do activities on our own, like exercising, again. Through the highs and lows, our relationship changed in lots of positive ways.
“My advice is to be patient and kind to each other. Make time to reconnect, even if it’s brief to start with. Don't compare yourself to others. It’s natural to think everyone else has got it sorted. But it’s different for everyone.
“Hold on to the moments of fun and laughter as your child grows. And be honest – know that it’s fine to say when you’re struggling.”
Not every day is wonderful and beautiful, and that’s alright.
“Find small ways to bond” - Amy
Amy has two sons under 4 with her partner Paul.
“I didn’t have any idea how much our first baby would change our relationship. I assumed we'd carry on having fun, getting on brilliantly, but with a cute little baby. But I had a traumatic birth, our baby didn't sleep, it was lockdown, my hormones were all over the place and it put a strain on us.
“I think going through what my friend calls ‘the swamp years’ can pull you closer together. You how much you like each other, especially once you start getting more sleep. I have a deeper respect and iration for my partner than ever before. I love seeing what a great parent he is.
Don't take anything said in the middle of the night or when you’re sleep-deprived to heart.
“If my partner wants to start a conversation about something serious when I'm too exhausted, I ask him to wait, even if it means emailing me on his commute to work.
“Try to keep a sense of humour and find small ways to reconnect. Even having a takeaway or glass of wine while you fold laundry can be lovely.
“It's important that you both do something you enjoy, whether on your own, with friends or in a group. It reminds you that you're still a person in your own right – not just a parent – and it's a chance to decompress.”
“Have a change of scene” - Antony
Antony and his partner have a 2-year-old son.
“In the early days, it’s hard to be the way you were as a couple before your baby came along.
The big thing for us was we couldn’t be spontaneous and carefree.
“There are phases of parenting, and that’s also true for relationships, they develop too. It’s important to take time to listen and check in with each other but becoming a better communicator is a learning process. One thing we found useful was taking five minutes after we’d put him to bed just to talk and say, ‘How are you today, how was your day?’.
“Accept from your family and friends so you can have a change of scene. It can be quite an effort to get out of the house otherwise. We find walks together are a great way to reconnect. And when you’re walking side by side, not facing each other, it also seems easier to talk about how you’re feeling too.
the bigger picture – raising a child together is an amazing thing. We have seen new sides of each other as parents as well as partners, and that’s really powerful.
